Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The Goodbye Girl...



I don't know if I've fully explained my feelings for Palm Springs to you all yet... or if you've been able to pick up on the clues between the lines about how the desert's become this chainstore version of the Liberace Museum, with strip mall after strip mall of high-end old ladies' boutiques, and designer furniture outlets, mixed with exotic luxury car lots and an endless supply of Del Tacos... Palm Springs, where the men are handsome, charming and rich--and so are their boyfriends.

And I'm not sure if I've been able to make absolutely clear that it is simply NOT a good idea for a grown woman who has lived on her own for more than a third of her life to step back into the wildly routinized craziness of her parent's house, sacrificing her once-adult independence for a welcome-back glimpse into teenhood to yet again face the parental inquisition of yore--"Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be home? Are you going out dressed like that??"

I know I have briefly alluded to the challenges of adapting my alt-weekly reporter snark to the tempered-down, small-town community speak of a mega-corporate daily, although to this point, I will withhold further discussion on the matter, lest I piss off the destiny gods--I am grateful for the lessons, I am honored to have this experience, I am thankful for the money blah blah blah... But back to the Palm Springs bitching:

I do believe I also might've mentioned the disturbing run-ins with exes who are now old (and, therefore, making me realize my racing mortality) and the disturbing absence of playmates of either gender who are not otherwise attached--either to a loved one or a colostemy bag, as well as (please don't make me say this again please don't make me say this again) disturbing presence of middle-age parents who are still doing it, and loudly, in the room next to where I am NOT sleeping, because I am so disturbed, and the resultant LACK of sex all of this has amounted to for me, hence the aforementioned exciting discovery of the "hydriatic therapy" associated with the jacuzzi jets at last month's weekend trip to Sasha's dad's house in Oakland.

As a result, I have been on countdown mode since New Year's. Deciding that January 18th would be the perfect last day, I set about to planning the much-anticipated event. I discovered that my favorite cabaret would be returning for a performance that same night, and that my Oahu goddess Krista was considering a visit that weekend, as well. I began fantasizing about how my last weekend here would roll: a lavish, overnight stay at The Viceroy whereby the GM would personally attend to my, er, our every need, followed by a last mimosa-fueled romp through downtown's homage to glamorous mid-century gay-ville, then an appropriately screeching hellbent departure and Pacific Coast Highway road trip back up to San Francisco with my gal pal and sultry sidekick.

And then the obvious happened: once I neared my two-week mark, things started looking rosier. The weather was beautiful--warm and sunny in the daytime, crisp and clear at night, with a million stars in the desert sky. Snow began to freckle the surrounding San Jacintos like frosting on a bundt cake. The film festival came to town, providing a very needed respite and cultural diversion, not only when it came to spicing up my down-time, but also in the way of work--I got to talk to the most fascinating filmmakers, documentarians and festival programmers, and wrote articles on "Autism: The Musical" and "Passion & Power: The Technology of Orgasm."

It was all very lovely. And by the time I had one week left, that nagging old friend Doubt began to creep in... maybe I've been shortchanging the desert... maybe it's not so bad after all... maybe...

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

And even more proof that I am, indeed, a girly girl...



Ummm, yeahhhh... Have you seen this cover of Esquire?? I couldn't even open it for about an hour, I was so captivated. I think I even took some time in removing and then carefully placing the forwarding mail sticker so I could see as much of the, uh, man as possible. I mean, GOOD GAWD Johnny.

As my dear friend Kim would say, "There ain't no sense in somebody bein' that fine."

And when I say "shoes"...




Yeah, y'all... this is what I'm talkin' about...

The first pair is some BCBG shit lookin' like a waspy hooker shoe--but I looooove them.
Ohhh, and that second pair--girrrrl, that is Betsey Johnson trying to break my heart. And my damn pocketbook.

I hate to say it but I'm digging this new trend towards glamorized fetish wear...

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Happy 200gr8!!!!

Much love, lust, laughter, good health, great sex, riotous bouts of wine-fueled intellectualism, glorious food that makes you moan with pleasure (in public and in private, of course), mind-blowing music, spine-tingling crushes, momentary spurts of clarity and extraordinary lengths of divine inspiration, jacuzzi-jet orgasms, work you're proud of AND get paid well for, happy surprises, strangers who make you smile, films you can't forget and books that are so spellbinding you just can't put them down until you're finished (same goes for members of the opposite sex), the most perfect hair product ever, fantastic shoes and the gay boyfriends who appreciate them, hours spent fantasizing, everyday spent fulfilling your dreams, enough money for all the cocaine and hookers you could ever want, family that makes you crazy so you have someone to blame, and friends that are with you through it all.

I wish this all for you this next year, as my guru princess Krista says (sometimes with an inexplicable Scottish accent):

Happy 200grrrrr8!!

Please feel free to leave your comment as to what YOU'D like more of this year...

Thursday, December 27, 2007

The best cure for a cold, ever...


I was only going to be in San Francisco for four days, three nights. So I couldn't bear the thought of any more time wasted on being ill. I'd been taking the vitamins, drinking the tea, sipping the soup, even getting some rest (kinda). But I knew it was gonna take something just a little more drastic to finally kick the cobwebs outta my immune system, and fire up the recover just a bit quicker.

Naturally, I called my mom. She suggested a shot of tequila with Tabasco. So off to Sasha's bar I went.

She fixed me up real nice. And though I started sweating, I felt the need for one last shove into recovery. Sash suggested the hot tub at her dad's.

"It has jets," she said. And so I bid my hasty adieu and booked it straight up to her dad's (oh, by the way, he's on vacation) and fired up the tub with some Epsom salt.

I can't begin to tell you how magical this suggestion actually was. There's just something about being enveloped in a bath of warm water, something about the relaxing effect of the Epsom salt on muscles, the way the bubbles tingle the skin...

Okay, yeah... it was the jets. I am here to tell you that the hands-down, all-time, best cure for a cold, my friends, is a self-induced orgasm aided and abetted by the full-power water-vibrator known simply as the jacuzzi jet.

Hallelujah.

And everything was smooth-sailing for the rest of the weekend: clearing out and cleaning my old apartment with help from my pal Jeff, a romantic and sober overnighter with Thespian, a brief but lovely quality bar hangout time at Molotov in Lower Haight with Sasha, and the subsequent sad, but temporarily satiated, flight back to Palm Springs, where I would be giving news that I would not be staying but would, in fact, be giving up my fulltime, permanent position as a corporate newsroom features reporter, in lieu of returning to the city I love, the city of many afternoon delights. And so many more to, uh, come.

Moving on up...



The view from Sasha's dad's house in the Oakland Hills... yeah, that's San Francisco and the Bay Bridge over there...