Since I left Maui two months ago, the sadness and nostalgia has been coming in waves. It's like a relationship that I'm only choosing to remember the good times, and completely forgetting some of the reasons why I left. So I did what any rational, intelligent adult woman would do--I posted a bulletin on MySpace and asked for help. Like this:

Hey all,
I am having the worst case of homesickness for Maui right now. Please somebody tell me all the reasons why it sucks and why I shouldn't hop on the next plane over.

I'm serious. And if you are so gloriously happy that you can't possibly think of any of Maui's bad points, just make some shit up. Help a girl out, will ya?

Thanks mucho,
xo
HG

And then this is what some folks said:

From: Jimmy B
THE ISLAND IS UGLY...IT SMELLS LIKE CAT URINE AND RAW FISH SOUP....THERE IS NO GOOD CHURCHES TO PRAISE THE ALMIGHTY ONE AT...THEY DO NOT SELL YOGURT AT MINIT STOP...THERE IS NOT ENOUGH TRAFFIC...AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF IT IS A VOLCANO
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From: (Order of the) White Rose
It's raining in Haiku?
We miss you too.
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From: Opu
no Indian food
no real Chinese food
all the Hawaiian oysters are dead
no good sex shops
$45 mediocre entrees
mucho lesso inteligente people to date
limited higher education opportunities
music? c'mon!
one cd/lp store
$4.50 per gal. gas
etc.
etc.
etc.
zero professional job opportunities
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From: The Mexican
Homesick?!?!?!?!
I wish I had Target and I won't even get into how STARVED I am for good music, Baseball and Ghirradellis.
Oh yeah, go have some Del Taco for me....
Aloha, Melissa
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From: 1979
It's boring, expensive hot and ugly. There is nothing to do except fuck girls.

The locals are stupid, easily led, ignorant, and oftentimes racist.

The haoles are usually naive, clichéd, pretensions. It's a silly and stupid place, a pretend society, filled with obnoxious hippies.

I have to go back eventually, but can never bring myself to go through with it.
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From: Amina
Well i guess it does suck when the rain gets in the way of my rainbow watching and the damn sand chafts my hide everytime i sit on the beach and well yeah it costs your arm and EVERY OTHER BODY part to live here and finding a real boy/girldfriend who is fun, creative, romantic, sexy without always being "on something" is next to impossible life on this rock in the middle of this pacific ocean in a word sucks

Amina
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From: Heidi
I got your back on this one! Okay, first of all, there is nothing to do. Yeah, yeah, Willie K. Whatever! It is the same "entertainment" day in, day out, month after month. When you do find something you are willing to go out for, who's there? Oh yeah, a bunch of slimey guys tryin' to get YOU to buy THEM drinks. Nobody opens doors for girls here either. And, it's HOT and that would be cool if you're at the beach or pool, but you aren't most the time because you have to work A LOT. And it's humid. Like, get-out-of-the-shower-and-towel-off-just-to-be-really-sticky
-again-within-minutes-humid. Did I mention the gigantore centipedes and scorpions?! And the alcohol is so expensive here that when I go to California I have to keep myself from clearing out shelves because it's so cheap comparatively, it seems like they're givin' it away. Also, you can only go like 50 miles away from wherever you are. In Cali, you can take a train, plane, car, bus or boat and get to mountains, beaches, wine country, baseball games, concerts, clubs, museums, rivers and historical monuments. Head north and ride the wine train. Go east and hit up all of Berkely's sweet ass 2nd hand stores. Go south and see the crazies in Santa Cruz (they are a lot like the local boys here). See a comedy show or headliner concert any night of the week just blocks from your home. Trust me. You have it made. Besides, you have plenty of friends out here to stay with, and ATA flights are as low as $390 roundtrip in October so you could get your fix if you REALLY want to leave your amazing life in glamouros SF and get a fix ;) I hope I was of help.
Love, Heidi
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From: Yowzah!
Check my latest blog. Oh better not. You'll be sorry...
[INSERT BEAUTIFUL PHOTOS OF MAUI SUNSETS, BEACH, ET AL]
Everybody here still misses you!!!

Y!
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From: Siobhan
Top 10 reasons Maui sucks.
This plays better in my mind if you are reading it with a cocktail in one hand.

1. Fuck yah it sucks, holoholo girl stay gone!

2. running into exs and/or people you don't want to see. Like we all live on the damn North Shore, chances of seeing said people are high between many many night spots in Makawao/Paia/Haiku.

3. limited, shallow dating pool

4. trying to get a part for your car, art supplies, etc and waiting a looooooooong time

5. cost of eating/drinking out ($20 glass on wine at Marc Aurel, it was good, but not that good)

6. no parking (Paia & the Airport) have recently affected me personally

7. Getting stuck because of a Pali Hwy fire or accident

8. smelly French guys at Jacques

9. crappy Jawaiian versions of Mustang Sally

10. lack of big/money name age appropriate concerts. Really the Doobie Brothers? That what I am supposed to be excited about?? Don't get me started about the Who! I am firmly in the Led Zep camp.

**Bonus Bitchiness**

11. Star Begley's column. I want to love her, but am struggling with it.

I hope this made you smile and remember some of the reasons you jumped ship. Maybe you will post everyone's responses, so we can all laugh.

Miss you,
Siobhan
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From: Shelley
Maui doesn't suck, because i miss it too. I will humour you though...

Maui boys think they've matured because they drink heinekin now instead of budweiser. You can't go to any store without seeing 8 people you know, and they're usually the ones you want to dodge. There is no restaurant open past ten. There is no good music. You have to drive to a different side of the island to buy anything or to see any sort of show. People hang out at a gas station after the bars close, and eat the food there. There is one road. People talk shit on eachother beacuse they have no real life of their own. Nobody delivers and Pizza Hut doesn't count... that's not pizza. That's gross.

But the weather is great.

love you!
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From: Tako
Date: Oct 9, 2007 3:10 AM

Ill give you some Maui sucks. Its my day off so I tried to run some errands. "Tried" bein the operant word here. First on my list was to try to find a used wet suit cuz I just started Scuba diving. Um yeah 7 dive shops later I didnt have one but I did have a lot of attitude from all the "cool people" who make $10 an hour to work at said shops. Nice career choice, buddy.
2nd was to get a battery put in my watch. I think I hit up every fuckin jeweler on front st and the cannery mall. "Excuse me, do you know where I might get a battery put into my watch?" "Uh..de owner do, but he no here. Bumbye he come tree-tirty you come back yeah?"
I know Im impatient sometimes and Im working on it, but some days its just impossible to get shit accomplished out here. My truck is takin a shit on me and my mechanic is either in jail or rehab, his boss hasnt heard from him in 2 weeks. My neighbor is getting real good at dropping f-bombs on his kids at 6:30am when they are getting ready for school.
OK Im done bitchin now. Boy I actually feel better, thanks! Dont be too down, holoholo girl. Yeah its beautiful out here and all that but you know how Maui Style goes, right?
Bye the bye, I gave up on the chores and just drank on the beach all day. Sound familiar?
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